Adoption Horror Stories and the Rehoming Stories.
By Ann Yurcek
Republished with permission
First published Oct 1, 2013
This time with a big way… Rehoming. Adoptive parents who became so desperate that they resorted to moving their children to another home without going through proper channels.
First I will not condone any of the actions of the parents who put their adoptive children in jeopardy, but I can understand just how desperate they could be.
This blog post is going to be complex, but it is a complex problem that causes parents to give up on their children. I hope this helps to put another spin on it but with research to support my arguments.
Not media hype.
I saw glimpses of this as it was happening over the years and stayed away from any of the discussions and discussion boards on the subject. A couple of times on other groups the subject came up and I talked about finding the help through the proper channels. Starting with the Mental Health, Adoption Support, their insurance and Medicaid and tried to help some parents find scarce help.
Back in 2000 I wrote a letter in the middle of the night. My thoughts about having to tell my daughter that she was going to have to go back to vary system she came from to find the mental health services she so desperately needed. I searched and searched and found no hope or help for her. I tried every door and found that the system was not set up to help parents who found themselves in our situation.
I found the little known secret of failed adoptions.
Adoption Disruption and Dissolution from the Child Welfare Gateway
Even more on the tragedy of custody relinquishment to garner Mental Health Services.
Custody Relinquishment from the Bazelon Center for Mental Health Law
Families who have adopted from the foster care system and the worlds child caring institutions. We have no safety net when we find ourselves with children too severe to attach or too damaged to remain in the home safely. We are vilified for not loving them enough, not caring enough, for throwing away a child. The more of these stories, the harder it is for parents to reach out for help as we are judged, juried, convicted for not loving our children enough or doing enough to help them heal from the ghosts of their pasts. But it is much more complex than that.
We need a support system all the way from better training and support from the adoption agencies, health and mental health care systems, child welfare, schools and communities supports.
We adoptive parents who take on these children, sometimes unknowingly are Parenting Complex Children.
Some once told me that they are Genetically loaded (they inherit the parents genetic predisposition). There is actually a study going on to see if prenatal alcohol exposure changes genetic structures.
Many will be prenatally exposed. A parents substance abuse issues often put these children into the care of the states and countries. A new study confirms what we parents have known for awhile.
Fetal Alcohol Common in Adopted and Foster Kids
Neurobehavioral disorder associated with prenatal alcohol exposure. They look normal but can’t do normal and normal parenting strategies do not work.
Children who face poverty, neglect and abuse can have neurocognitive issues. Their brains changed by their earlier experiences.
Neurocognitive Impacts for Children of Poverty and Neglect from the American Psychological Association.
Most will have at least some mental health issues of some sort from their trauma they have face. The majority are milder or moderate, but some can be severe. For older child adoptions we need to expect Post traumatic stress disorders. Trust issues, and Attachment Disturbances. Why wouldn’t they?
They are removed from the only people they knew, put in institutional settings, or disrupted placements.
Often kids act out their stress and those behaviors can cause multiple placements. The child also learns that nothing is permanent and if you are bad enough, you move on and you don’t need to attach and trust.
Parents have answered the call to give children homes, not just from the worlds institutions but from the foster care system in our own country. Many parents go through the trainings and say what they can and can’t deal with. But often times the problems will not appear until later when the child can’t hit their developmental milestones that it will become apparent or puberty hits.
I remembered reading early on a statistics of adoption disruptions and dissolutions.
Adoption Statistics: Disruption and Dissolution from Adoption.com.This not a new problem and these are not new numbers.
This article written long before the push to move children from foster care into adoptive homes.We when adopt the children, we make promises to care for them and help them to the best of our abilities. But for some parents, they find themselves with a child that nothing seems to help. Sometimes the more you love them, the more you try to care for them, or parent them. The worse it becomes. Adoptive parents reach for therapists, books, strategies and anything they can grasp for and often times the worse the situation gets. I remember the conflicting advice I got from the five different treating professionals in the differing spheres of my sibling set of 5. The advice from one conflicted with the advice of another, and learned to trust my own intuition and fire the ones that were worsening my children’s conditions. The Reactive Attachment Therapies do not work well for kids prenatally exposed with alcohol. They actually worsen them. Then the schools with their behavior modifications that do not work with FASD and then the triangulation of the child pitting unattached people against the caregivers. It is a set up for Adoptive Parent Burn Out and a child in danger of blowing out of a home.
Parents are finding themselves having to run residential treatment facilities without any training or support. I have seen adoptive parents/kinship caregivers have to manage kids that have been released from psychiatric hospitals because they could not be managed there. Thrown out of schools for misbehavior’s and left to function solo. All the while trying to be on guard 24/7 to protect the child, the other children and even themselves from catastrophe.
The failures of the mental health system in our country for children are written.
America’s Failing Mental Health System, America’s Struggle to Find Quality Care
But for the complex children from the care system, they are stuck in a place where the care systems and mental health clash. They are always the others responsibility. For those who bring in kids from other countries they are in a No Man’s Land and often on their own.
I have added to this piece a chart. My favorite with sharing just how complex these children can be. Overlapping Characteristics. I once asked a person in power in the state mental health system. Where is the evidence based practice for my children? He didn’t answer, except with the statement you are?
What I learned is that I had to trust my intuition, leave no stone unturned, I had to fight for my daughter, but also know that I had to keep everyone safe.
But the systems of help in our country are failure based. Not preventative. The medical system can diagnose the prenatal exposures, but can help us understand the cause. The Children’s Mental Health system is not the right place for those prenatally exposed to alcohol but often can help those with the complexities of abuse and neglect issues. But as children mirror the behaviors of others others, these children learn from their peers and those behaviors often worsen in the home. But the lack of competent support for those from the care systems is a challenge. For my kids the Mental Health system and the groups for those kids actually worsened my kids disorders. Knock on the door of Adoption Support and often they tell you you have to use your insurance and Medicaid first. But that is another series of Medicaid stories about that failures for the most vulnerable of children.
But our kids have no coordinated Silo to find support. Many of the children from the care systems are often of normal intelligence, so developmental disabilities services will not help us. Mental Health services are a poor fit and the strategies do not work with children with prenatal brain injuries. Those lucky enough to present as having autistic tendencies may find services under the Autism Umbrella.
I was told to look for help in places that were not equipped to handle our needs. I was not an abusive parent, I was not a neglectful parent. I had a daughter too dangerous and damaged to live at home. I was ordered by the Community Mental Health System that I had 60 days to relinquish our daughter and to dissolve the adoption or be charged with abandonment. That document came up missing and I had thought to stow a copy hidden where no one would look for it. Someone told me that when you go public documents burn.
I had been warned that if we abandoned my daughter in the state hospital, we would face charges and the loss of our other children, not just the adopted sibling set, but our own biological children. The care system trumps parents say, bring this child home or possibly lose your other children, your professional licenses, and be put on the abuse and neglect registry. It is Least Restrictive Setting that is used to say that ALL children belong in the homes and then it is our fault that we are ill equipped to meet their needs. Even when someone gets hurt, we need to go against the recommendations from the professionals that we need to have them home to attach.
If you have to place your child into foster care system, the adoptive parents often lose their adoption subsidies if they are lucky enough to have one if you adopted from the US or if you adopted internationally you will be charged with the cost of the child’s care. I have even seen where an adoptive parent was charged and they took not only the child’s adoption subsidy but the adopted siblings subsidy as well and handed the adoptive parent the bill from the state and put liens on the parents home. The same state that adopted the child to the couple and the agency hid the records. Adoptive parents are often charged with paying for the court fees to get help from the justice system when the Child Welfare and Mental Health Services fail. Too many adoptive parents face calling the police as the option of last resort. Followed by the knock on the door from the Child Protective Service Workers.
No wonder why parents take into desperate measures to find support, the wrong way. Because has anyone tried to Navigate the MAZE to find help for those most vulnerable of children who are the small percentages of kids whose needs are great. Some of us who find ourselves with a child with intense needs, we will get secondary trauma not just for the parent, but the siblings as well.
We need the media to focus not just about the adoption horror stories, but real stories of real families fighting the odds to try to help very complex fragile children. We need evidence based adoption conscious services and supports in all the service sectors and those parents will not resort to give up on their adoptive children. And for those children who do not fit into the adoptive home, we need laws that no do penalize the family for trying to find healing for the child and for everyone involved. It should not be seen as failure, but just another place to meet the needs of the child.
We did not give up on my daughter, or her siblings, but we did pay a price. Many an adoptive parent said that they were more traumatized not by trying to help their child. The trauma of the lack of support and navigating the systems if often times are much more damaging than our circumstances.
Postscript: My daughter is now 28 and she still has a family to advocate on her behalf and call home to and we have gone on to adopt another little guy with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome plus a host of other problems and he is thriving. We have full disclosure, we will do whatever and find whatever it takes to give him the love and supports to thrive. But we also know that we cannot heal his prenatal brain damage but love him and nuture him through his challenges.